WARNING THIS IS SATIRE/Sense of humor strongly recommended!
Bannon Tries to Play His Last Card and Fails
Washington (OBERMEIER RAPPORT) On Monday, Steve Bannon sat down for a game of UNO with Jared Kushner and Reince Priebus and came out fuming.
“We had been told to get along. Reince said a game of cards would bring us together… but they ganged up on me,” the White House chief strategist told Fox News. “They kept playing the reverse, skip, and draw-four-cards to me. Very unfair.”
Kushner said, “Bannon is exaggerating. Reince and I were playing nice. We were cooperating very respectfully. If Steve can’t win anymore, that’s not our problem.”
“Not true,” Bannon said. “You just can’t reverse direction for your advantage anytime you want. Especially in the White House. That card should be banned.”
Sean Spicer denied knowledge of any behind-the-scenes battles at his daily press briefing. “No one is playing games in the White House. And no one is reversing directions on anything. No one.”
Behind Door Number Three
Washington (OBERMEIER RAPPORT) Jared Kushner has created an alternate Situation Room off the White House kitchen to mirror the “Sit Room” at Mar-a-Lago.
“I wanted Donald to feel at home without all those pesky security measures,” Kushner said, leading a small group of reporters through the White House to the kitchen. A “Quiet Area” sign was taped to a door that opened into a large storage closet. The closet had been cleared to accommodate a wooden table surrounded by faux-bamboo gold-painted chairs.
“I brought the seating up from Mar-a-Lago to recreate the space where the Syrian briefing took place. Donald was very comfortable there.”
A separate White House tour will be set-up for “paying members” and “ticketed guests” that will assemble in the kitchen for “special views and insider access.”
Spicer Heading For a Tony?
Washington (0BERMEIER RAPPORT) Sean Spicer brought another dimension to the White House daily briefing Thursday when he appeared with a life-size puppet attached to his right arm. The puppet strongly resembled Kellyanne Conway with a grim smile on her face.
Spicer gave the briefing in a high-pitched voice, barely moving his lips while the puppet’s mouth moved in synch with his words. He would not respond to direct questions until Peter Alexander shouted, “Kellyanne! Kellyanne!” The puppet’s head swiveled toward the NBC reporter and said “Yes, Peter?”
“Kellyanne” then fielded questions from the press, without giving any concrete answers.
In a telephone interview with Fox News after the briefing, Conway said, “Sure, blame everything on me. It’s the only way I’ll be on TV again, anyway.”
“It was like a scene from Avenue Q,” ABC News White House correspondent, Jon Garcia said. “Without the inspiring songs.”
Pat Obermeier is the author of the political satire, The President Factor: The Reality Show That Rocked a Nation and a four-time Emmy award-winning creative writer and producer who worked in the TV industry in NYC for close to 20 years.