WARNING THIS IS SATIRE/Sense of humor strongly recommended!
Baghdad, Iraq (OBERMEIER RAPPORT) After being notified that his father-in-law, Donald Trump, had just named him head of the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., Jared Kushner took time out from meeting with Iraqi Minister of Defense Erfan al-Hiyali to look up information on the 163-acre park.
“The US is doing well here in Iraq, but the National Zoo is a disaster,” he said. “Another mess President Trump inherited.”
Kushner admitted he had never been to the acclaimed zoo and that he knew nothing about its exhibits. “Why would that matter?” He smiled. “I’m here – in Iraq, right? No military experience, either.”
Continuing to scroll through the zoo’s website on his phone, he remarked, “Look at this! They have a place for families to sleep over. Ivanka’s hoping to get away from the protesters in front of our house. This looks like an option. Ah, no. It’s in a tent.”
Pulling Marine Corps Gen. Joseph F. Dunford Jr., chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, over, Kushner pointed to a map of the zoo. “Can you believe this? The place is huge. There are pandas, gorillas, and all sorts of African animals. I’ll bet you don’t see stuff like this in your job – right?”
“Exactly,” Dunford replied.
New York (OBERMEIER RAPPORT) The First Lady has added a new activity to the 2017 Easter Egg Roll on the White House grounds.
After watching a video on Breitbart News on how to grow a “bakiwi,” a banana kiwi hybrid plant, Melania Trump instructed the White House staff to provide small pots, dirt, bananas, and kiwis for each child attending. A section of Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden will be set aside for the planting.
“When they are done, all the children will have a new and exciting plant to take home from Donald and me,” Melania told Fox News. “I’m so happy I saw this video. It is so simple – cut the tip off a banana and a kiwi. Put the cuts together and plant. That’s all there is to it. Then this incredible plant grows. Inside the banana skin – a kiwi center!”
She added, “I haven’t had much luck in growing one myself, but Donald insists that everything on Breitbart is real news. It’s also on YouTube. Watch it. You can see that it’s real.”
After getting peppered with comments about the obvious spoof in his daily briefing, Sean Spicer defended the plant. “If you can’t grow one, that’s your problem, not mine. We’re planting them. It’s real. Period.”
Washington, DC. (OBERMEIER RAPPORT) Calling Mike Pence’s stance on not eating alone with any woman other than his wife “outright ridiculous, sexist and detrimental to woman,” Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, found a work-around. She bought a custom-designed blow-up doll.
“I did some research and found a company that put Karen Pence’s face on one of the models that was sitting down. Then I headed over to Nordstrom for a simple blue suit to dress her in.” Pelosi told MSNBC.
“Now Mike can stop declining my invitations,” she said. “I toyed with getting a simple cardboard cut-out – like the ones you take your picture with – but if it were life-size, it would be hard for me to get into a car. I’ll lend it to any woman who has been trying to meet with Pence.”
She added. “The resemblance is remarkable. I took her on a dry run in the House cafeteria and Mitch McConnell stopped to say hello. He’s never done that before.”
Following Pelosi’s lead, Sean Spencer ordered dolls from the same company with faces of Andrea Mitchell, Jake Tapper, Peter Alexander, and April Ryan to be used in the White House Press Room to replace the real journalists.
“I’m not going to call on them anyway, so why not?” he said.
Pat Obermeier is the author of the political satire, The President Factor: The Reality Show That Rocked a Nation and a four-time Emmy award-winning creative writer and producer who worked in the TV industry in NYC for close to 20 years.